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1.
Bucket hats. 2. Visors. 3. Sideways visors.
4. Sideways baseball caps. 5. Headbands. 6.
Mullets (the haircut). 7. Mullets (a type of
fresh-water fish typically used for bait). 8.
Hair that has been manipulated for an hour to
achieve the desired "tousled" look.
9. Enough hair on the back of your neck to indicate
that it's time for a haircut. 10. Shoulder-length
perms. 11. Ponytails. 12. Comb-overs. 13. Nehru
jackets. 14. Short-sleeved dress shirts with
ties. 15. Band-collared shirts. 16. Tee shirts
with oh-so-humorous messages on them. 17. Tee
shirts with oh-so-offensive messages on them.
18. Tee shirts that expose one's midriff, intentional
or otherwise. 19. Polo shirts with the collar
turned up. 20. Any article of clothing at all
with the collar turned up. 21. Sheer shirts.
22. Sheer pants. 23. Spiked collars. 24. Speedo
bikinis. 25. Thong bikini underwear. 26. Any
pair of underwear that features a depiction
of an elephant or Pinocchio on its frontal side
so as to imply that the wearer's penis is akin
to an elephant's trunk or the magically-expanding
nose of a wooden puppet. 27. Any underwear that,
in the event it must be exposed in the process
of getting undressed to have sex, will immediately
cause your sexual partner to put their clothes
back on. 28. Unibrows. 29. Tie-dyed anything.
30. Turtlenecks with double-breasted suits,
Staten Island notwithstanding. 31. Brightly
colored weightlifting pants. 32. All other weightlifting
pants. 33. Jeans with elastic waists. 34. Bell-bottomed
jeans. 35. Acid-washed jeans. 36. Jeans so loose
you can see your underwear. 37. Jeans so tight
you can see your underwear. 38. Shorts so short
you'd better be wearing underwear. 39. Shorts
so long they might as well be highwaters. 40.
Highwaters. 41. Knickers. 42. Jodhpurs. 43.
Capri pants. 44. One pant leg rolled up, the
other not. 45. Black jeans with white sneakers.
46. Black socks with white sneakers. 47. Sneakers
with suits.
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48. Knee-high white socks with shorts. 49. Knee-high
black socks with shorts. 50. Socks with sandals.
51. White athletic socks with dress shoes. 52.
Slides. 53. Mules. 54. Platform shoes if you're
over thirty. 55. Platform shoes if you're under
thirty. 56. Fanny packs. 57. Chest hair so abundant
it looks like you're wearing your sweater UNDER
your shirt. 58. Enough cologne to have passersby
notice you're wearing cologne. 59. Clothes with
brand logos large enough to be read by the elderly.
60. Nail polish of any kind. 61. A pinkie ring.
62. A college ring. 63. A nipple ring. 64. A nose
ring. 65. More than one ring. 66. Dangling earrings.
67. College apparel from a school you didn't attend.
68. Kilts. 69. Anything with sequins. 70. Anything
with feathers. 71. Anything with sequins AND feathers.
72. Monocles. 73. Logo watches. 74. Calculator
watches. 75. Mickey Mouse watches. 76. Mickey
Mouse ANYTHING. 77. For that matter, anything
with a cartoon character on it, Disney or otherwise.
78. Clothes with team logos outside a stadium.
79. Kelly green. 80. Hot pink. 81. Photojournalist
vests, unless on assignment in Chechnya. 82. Long
nose hair. 83. Long ear hair. 84. Any ear hair.
85. Clothing acquired through the consumption
of several hundred packs of cigarettes. 86. Novelty
neckties. 87. Bow ties if you're under forty (except
with Tuxes). 88. Bolo ties. 89. Cowboy boots over
pants. 90. Cowboy hats. 91. Cowboy boots and cowboy
hats with suits. 92. Clip-on ties. 93. Clip-on
suspenders. 94. Whimsically patterned suspenders.
95. Suspenders with belts. 96. Dress trousers
without belts. 97. "Kiss Me, I'm _________"
(Insert Nationality Here). 98. Pocket protectors.
99. Enough pens and pencils in your pocket to
warrant a pocket protector. 100. Members Only
jackets. 101. And, most heinous of all, sweaters
worn jauntily over your shoulders, the Upper East
Side notwithstanding. |
